Well, GSB nation will, of course, be glued to the City v. Newcastle game this Sunday. The tie will be the toughest challenge City have faced yet in this young season – the Magpies, already a mid-table team, have solidified their defense significantly during the transfer window, and are poised to be a troublesome matchup for top-tier teams all season long. It’s unsurprising that the punters are forecasting low scoring games against their backline, anchored by the talented former Burnley man, Nick Pope, between the sticks.

    But there is another game Citizens can’t miss this week, and it’s an absolute gem for those of us who enjoy a bit of schadenfreude from time to time. Monday afternoon’s Liverpool-United tie, a matchup between two floundering behemoths, promises some unparalleled hate-watching.

    Let’s do the math on this one. Liverpool have dropped four points already this season, while United have dropped six. In recent years, the league winners have set a high standard for success, typically dropping less than 20 points throughout the season. Last season, City was two wins and a draw off the pace of their record-setting 2018/2019 season, in which they scored 100 points. But they still only dropped 21 points total, the equivalent of seven losses.

    These are bleak calculations for the reds and the rags. Two weeks into the season, United are already a third of the way to being out of the running. For Liverpool, the measuring stick used to assess each week’s result is sky blue. Losing to City twice by one point in recent years has produced psychological scars and lasting trauma, in spite of that surreal parade they held in the streets of Liverpool last spring after coming in second. Our point lead over the reds is now five times the margin by which the last season was decided, and this is not lost on a single Liverpool supporter. Their injury-depleted squad can scarcely afford to drop points in a third consecutive game. Legions of Scousers and front-running bandwagon-jumpers across the United States are holding their collective breath going into this weekend, flop-sweat beading on their foreheads as they feverishly clear their work schedules for Monday afternoon. A loss to United would send them into an early season panic that is unprecedented in the Klopp era.

    For City supporters, the tantalizing prospect of watching one of these teams lose carries with it a bit of a dilemma. I guess it's a first-world problem… which team would we most like to see suffer?

    Rationally speaking, we should all be supporting United in this tie. Yes, this will take some nose holding. A lot of nose-holding. United are despicable. Their players are... extremely unappealing. Can I really cheer for Fred to unleash an expected screamer into the side netting, as he did on a couple of occasions last year? Can I… can I actually bring myself to applaud a well-timed Harry McGuire tackle on a surging Mohammed Salah? Can I get excited... about a… (gulping back a dry heave)… a Cristiano Ronaldo penalty in the 91st minute?

    Hating United runs deep in the DNA of the City fan, even a native New Jerseyan like me, who has never been anywhere near Manchester, and who has only a decade or so of history with the club. I fully expect to suffer a severe and convulsive allergic reaction when Bruno Fernandes curls a free kick into the upper left corner over the outstretched paw of Alison Becker, propelling me off of my sofa and into full fist-pumping mode. I’ll have to have a couple of Benadryl on hand… maybe an epi-pen as well just to be safe.

    Because, if my head wants United to poke another hole in Liverpool’s title hopes, my heart wants them to lose every game they play this season. Karmic balance in the universe requires that United suffer at least another decade of profound mediocrity, perhaps two. And, for United to actually stare relegation in the face at some point later in the season, this would also go a long way toward restoring order in the universe… To be clear, this won’t happen, but if it did, I’m convinced that flowers would spontaneously bloom in some distant jungle. Celestial bodies would come into rare harmonic alignment. Expecting mothers all over the world would suddenly have the unexpected urge to name their newborn children Noel Gallagher.

    So, this is where things stand. My head will be supporting United, my heart Liverpool. But “support” is not the right word. The ideal scenario would be for both teams to somehow drop three points, and, while we’re describing the impossible, for a rare tectonic event to open a massive sinkhole in the crust of the earth, into which both teams, and their managerial entourages, would plummet screaming, each player and each coach vaporized into a small puff of red smoke upon contact with 4000 degree rivers of molten magma.

    But short of this, I just want somebody, anybody, to lose, and the odds are that somebody will. It’s a lose-lose win-win for City supporters, worthy of a tub of popcorn and 90 minutes of an already unproductive late summer weekday. See you on the other side.